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April 3, 2008 by Rachel
I interrupt this impromptu blogging spring break to bring you yet another quote.
If you are going to all the trouble of checking this little blog, than the very least I can do is to give you something new to look at or in this case think about. And since I’m on “spring break,” I sharing another quote I’ve recently made friends with.
The night before I read the pearl of wisdom somewhere at the bottom of this post, I was lying in bed trying to visualize the phrase, “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.” This little power punch is popular at our church and it used to strike me to the side. I couldn’t quite absorb the intensity or the harshness of this statement. Honestly, I didn’t really like it and I didn’t want to like it.
And now, I can’t think of a better description of my state of being. Somehow, miraculously in the past year I have been molded into that statement. I have become a personification of what I most wanted to avoid. And what I once thought was grim and dour, I have found to be true and beautiful. There has been more soul-satisfying joy laid at my feet in these past eighteen months than all the months that proceeded it. And it has been a year steeped with grief and deep disappointment.
I have not been instructed in the time-tables of bereavement though I doubt it would have had much impact on my heart. I know now that grief comes in waves.
It kind of creeps up on you like the tide coming in at the close of a sunny day.
“I think I feeling sad again…No, no, it’s just cloudy out…. No wait, I think I am really sad…oh, no, I probably just need more sleep…. Wow, oh, there is pain here. Oh, I am sad.”
Quietly it ebbs and flows until all of the sudden you find yourself standing in a cold, salty puddle. And once again the sorrow is real. Red, puffy, wet face real.
In the midst of this I have a joy that I can’t explain or dispel. A friend told me this week that all winter, she would see me and think, “Oh, she must be pregnant. She seems so happy. She has to be pregnant.” I assure you that I am not, but the happiness is real. Because our God is rich in mercy, I have become the paradox I once feared: sorrowful, yet rejoicing (I have to omit “always,” because that wouldn’t be quite true). Even as I type this I am mystified by how the joy born out of suffering is truly greater than the happiness experienced before.
This was my state of mind as I began working on the lesson for my weekly Bible study group. We are working through Linda Dillow’s book, Calm My Anxious Heart, and this week’s study was being content with your role. Contentment with my role–my role as a mother of one child on earth and three children in Heaven. How does that work?
Here comes the promised quote that I was going to write a brief introduction to, but as you can see brevity is not one of my gifts. And since I desperately need to put my smiling, tear-licking self to bed, I pass this post off to Elizabeth Elliot. If you aren’t familiar with her (it’s high time to make her acquaintance), she is Christian author and teacher who was tragically widowed twice.
“One step at a time, over the years, as I sought to plumb the mystery of suffering (which cannot be plumbed), I began to see that there is a sense in which everything is a gift. Even my widowhood.
I say that I found peace. I do not say that I was not lonely. I was–terribly. I do not say that I did not grieve. I did–most sorely. But peace of the sort the world cannot gives comes, not by the removal of suffering, but in another way–through acceptance.” (Elizabeth Elliot, The Path of Loneliness)
Is that peace a gift beyond a salve for the loss that proceeded it? Could it be the balm for all sorrow?
P.S. If you have ever wondered how to help a friend grieve the loss of a child, I must direct you to Molly’s blog. She has started a series called, “How to Help Your Grieving Friend” and it’s brilliant.
Have just literally read Molly’s blog there before your link to it! Excellent posts on helping your friend in their grief, no matter what stage they are at or how they are grieving.
Thanks for this beautiful post, Rachel. That quote is so true. I am going through it right now.
God Bless you dear
wow- you have a sweet beautiful heart. Thanks for pouring it out. Bless you.
Oh, I have lived this!
God’s joy in the midst of sorrow and suffering — it’s indescribable.
In the words of the Newsboys, “You give me joy that’s unspeakable.” And maybe even better, “The world don’t give it and the world can’t take it away.”
That kinds of joy makes no logical sense. Which is how I know it’s God-generated. It’s a gift, plain and simple.
Great post, Rachel.
Rachel,
My hug I gave you on Tuesday was infused with love, joy and sorrow — I have no words for those days or moments when sorrow and grief sweep over me and yet it is almost like a warm blanket of comfort my Father clothes me in - so when I hug you and have no words — that’s what I’m wrapping you in - the same care I receive from our Father.
Love, Christa
Rachel,
I am so sorry for your losses. I’m blessed by each post you write and even though we’re more “friends of friends”, I feel as though I’ve gotten to know you because of your transparency in blog-world.
I’ve never had to go through what you have with losing your children, being that I’m still single. This week, though, I’ve started walking the path of a different sort of grief and I’ve been amazed that even in the midst of it, God has granted a peace that passes all understanding. I know we talk about or use that scripture found in Philippians, but I never knew before that it could actually happen. Even when in sorrow, there can still be rejoicing. God is good.
Thanks for sharing your heart,
Kari
I have done that bible study “Calm my anxious heart.” At the time we were going through tough times medically with my youngest child. He was really ill and it took 9 months and many doctors later to find out he had a systemic yeast infection. That study was incredible and I hope it helps you with the calming and peace that you desire. Blessings.
Beautifully stated, my friend. Thanks for pouring out your heart. I feel like I should give you a hug right now!
Rachel,
I am praying that the Lord continues to comfort you during the sorrow and am rejoicing with you that he is faithfully meeting you with joy. Sobbing at Jesus’ feet have been some of the most tender and sweet moments I have ever had with my Father…It really is a miracle.
Thanks for encouraging me,
Alicia
I am so sorry that you even have to face sorrow, Rachel…in waves or otherwise. That stinks, stinks, stinks. I guess that’s part of not being in Heaven yet…well, I know it is, but you have received what I would deem much more than you’ve needed already. However, I am so blessed to read that you are able to find joy in your sorrow. That you are letting God hold you in His hands. That you are patient with your friends when we perhaps sometimes DO and sometimes DON’T know how to “help you, our grieving friend.” Be sure of this: I love you, cherish your friendship and felt honored to even be able to read this post. Keep on with your “spring break” now!
Oh, Rachel…thanks again for sharing all that you have been through. What a testimony you are of God’s faithfulness and joy in the midst of pain and trials and heartache. Joy is so much more than just a FEELING. I am so thankful that in the midst of all of your feelings of sorrow and sadness that you have experienced (so much that I can’t even imagine!), that God has been your ROCK and source of JOY that goes beyond what feelings you are feeling and dealing with. I am deeply encouraged by reading this…thanks for sharing!
And, what great words of encouragement in how to “be there” for a grieving friend…I appreciated that!
Oh, and I too love the book “Calm My Anxious Heart” as well!!!
Tiffany sent me the link to this post. Tears streamed down as I read it. I have felt your pain, and I am very sorry. I have had the same experience of seeing a heart beat and then losing my child. It is hard when pregnancy doesn’t ‘just happen’ like it does for so many women. I have grieved, mourned, and then found joy in the morning. I have learned joy is a state of mind. It is a choice I must make. My struggles and pain aren’t about me, but about God and how I glorify Him through it all. I don’t at all believe that God dislikes my sorrow. I do feel He wept with me. But His plan is so much bigger than I can fathom. When I am humble enough to be transparent, to let others see my pain and how God is alive in me, even in sorrow, the enemy has been defeated. God has prevailed. The devil has lost. Don’t lose hope. After our struggle with infertility, God brought my husband and I to adoption. We have one biological child and two adopted children. And all three are the most precious gifts He has given me. Our adoptions weren’t easy, but looking back, I can see His plan. He truly hand picked the children He placed in our family. It is amazing. I love to talk about what a blessing our adoptions have been. Feel free to contact me if you wish.